Let me say how marvellous it is to be here tonight to welcome you to this, the first of a new series of the game show with a real mean attitude - the one and only Mean Arenas! You've won the chequebooks, been on the holidays, written off the Mini Metros and wondered just what the hell to do with the special tungsten Bully tankards, and now ladies and gentlemen, it's time to play for the ultimate prize! Erm, your life. Not much of a prize you might think, since just about everyone already owns one anyway, but the difference here is that should you successfully find your way through our labyrinths, you will be rewarded with a wealth unknown even to the legendary game show genius, Les Dennis.
In this year of 2093, chaos rules as we know and the world is generally a very shallow place. We need entertainment ladies and gentlemen - we need fun! And my oh my, is Mean Arenas fun. Spread throughout this complex, folks, are 26 arenas filled to the brim with monsters, hazards, weapons... and money! Buzz and Bob are our arena hosts; two lovely lovely blokes who'll be popping up between every level with their words of wisdom for you, the public - the contestants!
Enter carefully ladies and gents I'll skip the chance to put in some perverse innuendo because you're never quite sure where the danger's coming from next. You will be unarmed to begin with and it's not a barrel of laughs because those guardians arc-programmed to kill, kill, kill! Collect weapons and blow them away, then pick up all that lovely loot because remember folks - no loot, no escape route!
We're going to need a volunteer in just a minute ladies and gentlemen but, before I do, listen carefully because I love you all. Mean Arenas is dangerous and only those who want to win need apply because there's no such thing as a live loser, am I right? Seriously though folks, the money's yours for the taking if you just stay calm and use those teleporters and conveyors. Watch out for the bonus rooms and oh, by the way, hope you brought the sunblock because those acid pits are mighty warm! Remember, Buzz and Bob are here to help but from me, Wild Man William G. Stewart, it's over and out for now with the hope that your Arenas may always have meaning.
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